Humanity for cash

Just Finished watching "No Regrets" the last 2 episode, it brings a lot of thoughts to my mind, it's touching, it kinda makes me think or imagined how would i look back through my life 30, 50 years later in life. I might be a very rich old man or living poor waiting my time to come, but when i look back what would i see? is there any story worth telling? any experiance worth sharing? Or just looking back and say, "how i wish i did better when i had the chance." or "i could've made it but i din't." or "my life is just as plain and nothing is worth sharing or any adventure worth telling.". I fear life is nothing more than just repeating the same thing, we need adventures to make our life interesting, stories of how we survived through the war like when i hear about stories how my grandparents survive those harsh times, how life is as hard as we in this era could ever imagined, perhaps too hard for people today, and yet they survived. I wish i had my own story to tell, my own adventure to share, i might not be rich but at the very least i lived a rich life full of adventures and stories worth sharing and proud of. All but just a dream.

Living today isn't about having stories to tell, but materials to show off. It isn't about relationships but social networks. Living today is about living life to the expectations of others, instead of being true to ourself. Many claimed to be so, to me it's all hypocrissy, no one lived true enough to themself anymore, or perhaps material wealth is all that matters in the world today, being rich is basically second nature to everyone next to having to eat. I, myself is hypocritical, just as everyone else, i do things to project image to impress others, just as everyone else, and it all comes naturally, just as everyone else. I know and really wanted to live life, to enjoy every beautiful moments to experiance adventure life throws at me. I really wanted to. But "Life" just isn't allowing me to, because money seem to be slowly replacing faith and humanity. We see people that would do anything just for money, torturing innocent animals, killing, all those ugly things people would do just for those cold hard cash. People would do anything to be rich, everyone wants to be rich, and that scares me, life is now just about showing off a bunch of material goods, even gaining knowledge is just for the purpose of being rich. The sad thing is, people really envy those who have more money than those who have more wisdom. Today Humanity and Wisdom are jokes and fairy tales, Money and Material goods are reality. Long live Humanity!!

what everyone wants

Everyone wants to fly,
to go places where everything's fine,
to be where they belong,
to do anything they want,
to feel freedom.

Everyone wants,
but no one dare,
to reach out and grab,
to hold, to feel, to take,
everyone fears what they want most.

Everyone have wings,
that could take them anywhere they want,
to places they desired to be,
to do anything they want,
all everyone need is to spread their wings.

Everyone's wings have crippled,
too long trapped in a gildered cage,
lost in a jungle of greed and fear,
controled by rules made to control,
funny how everyone wants what they were born with.

The existence of everything

Lately i found that the question of God's existence is a popular question. I'll start of with my point of view to all those questions about God.

Do God exist? a question which puzzled the minds of millions or billions or bascialy everyone on this planet. Yes or no, it'll still attract arguments from extremist from both sides because we can't prove either. It's also because both extremes are blind to other possibilities beside their belief so they won't be satisfied untill the other side said "sorry i'm wrong", the highly religious group will condemn the other group to hell and the atheist will bash the religious group to their own hell. Seriously if you keep asking question about one end the answers will never be found because no matter how you explain stuff there will be non-believers, there will be questions. And co-existence never came to the mind of those people.

Atheist said the universe starts with a big bang, the deist ask what created the big bang? The deist said God created the universe, the atheist ask who created God? it's a never ending circle of questions but either side can put out cold hard evidence. Seriously the best way to prove facts is by showing evidence instead of questioning theory. Well some even resorted to insulting the other side for stating their own opinion. I'm not trying to judge or being stereotypical but most often i find highly religious people react violently, if you believe in what you believe than there should not be violence specialy religious people, i don't recall any religion promoting violence and anger.

Even when we put aside atheism, there will still be arguments to which religion is the true religion. Seemingly the more religious one group of people are the more they blind themself to what the religion taught them, no religion in this world teaches you to react to non-believers violently or promoting insults to other religious group, none, if there is please do correct me and i'll stay away from you and your religion. When one group of religious people react violently, it shows that they fear of what they believe is false they fear of going to hell and losing their comfort of being exclusive, so they react violently and start insulting other religion and people or even start a fight or worst a war. Even if what you believe is true i don't see any reason why your God should send you to heaven, when a fight or war starts in your God's name then that is the biggest insult to your own religion, your own God, believing is one thing, learning from what your religion taught you is another thing, believes itself will only this far, practicing the teaching will take you higher or at least as a person, you're more respectable. Violence is never what a God or Gods wants from their believers. Sadly most wars in history starts more or less due to religious violence, i can assure you the ones who started the war will not end in good place.

The best way is to believe in what you believe, forgive those who does not believe in what you believe, understand that instead of finding ways to disapprove others why not find ways to prove that you're right, but never through violence or insults, because even if you are right but what you did was wrong so even with believes itself would not take you to where you want to be. There are reasons for everthing but not all reasons are understandable, when a war is started, both sides are evil no matter what is your cause.

I'm not here to prove or disapprove anything, because there are possibilities in everything and we don't have answers to everything. But the moment we insult someone or start a fight with someone on what they believe or what they disbelieve, we're starting a fight against what we believe in, because no religion in this world promote violence. Every war started in God's name is a war started against God.

Well, live free, be happy. Make love, not war :)

31st of August, independence day no more.

It's 31st of August, everything seem so normal, as though nothing had happened before, as though it's a day when we all need not go to work, and the only joy from this day is that everyone doesn't need to work and that's about it. Independence day means nothing more than a regular holiday, if that is so, do we still need to mark this day as important? or have we forgotten that it's independence day?

I remember waking up in the morning and watch the march and parade for the celebration of independence day through tv, back then it meant a lot more than it does today, people do not really care anymore. Everyone seem to have given up hope for this country, the future of this country now in the hands of some incompetent few, corrupted, greedy, an insatiable desire for money, now the main job of the government of this country is to suck this country dry of any financial resource that was left since independence day, perhaps we should mark that day as the day the British had forsaken us. Each year our country seem to fall deeper and deeper into chaos, we see progress in all the ASEAN countries but not ours, every time we look at our growth it breaks our heart to know that we're losing out on everything and as though we're the only one that goes backwards.

The truth is there is no perfect government in this world, only better ones, corruption is everywhere, but, others still have a sense of patriotism toward their country and try their best to also move the country forward. To be frank, I'm disappointed not in the level of corruption of our government but the stupidity of our government, if you only take, someday it'll eventually end. For example a farm, if a farmer is stupid enough to take all the fruits at one time even the green ones and didn't even bother to take care of the trees eventually the trees will die the farm will end and there would be nothing left and the farmer will be laughed at by the other farmer, Instead if the farmer take lesser fruits and leave the green ones to grow, and put some effort into the farm than it'll become a source that will never end. It's sad to know that our future here is in the hands of not only greedy, but also stupid people, the best combo for a country to crumble.

I'm seriously proud to be a Malaysian, and i love Malaysia, but i seriously despise the current ruling party not only for it's corruption, but also it's level of stupidity. Also despite the fact that the government is on a 1 Malaysia project, but it's also their people that has been making racist remarks. Just when everything seem fine there will always be someone that will ruin everything. A word of advice for the government, if you have people that will sabotage your effort of making a better world, cut of the weakest link before it drags you down along with them, oppressing the people will only take you this far, gaining the support of the people will take you to a higher place.

any lower you have to dig a hole

Lately, my heart feels like it's so heavy it's popping out anytime soon. There's so much negative energy around me i feel like I'm going crazy, everything seem so bleak and blur that never would there be anything good happening this time around, as though I'm stuck in a black hole of negative energy and I'm drowning in bad luck. Life can never be worst that this ever, well that's what i thought, and i sure hope that i thought wrong about it.

I was watching Glee, good show and i think everyone should watch it, at the very least it's something fun to watch and they have songs that would bring up your spirit when you're feeling low, for now i guess nothing can get any lower, failing an exam, a little relationship bumps, household arguments, financial headache, and a very very sadly low self esteem, it would help if i know of someone that is now living an even a suckier life cause it seriously helps, i was just kidding, it's the negative energy talking. In the show that i was talking about they were singing "holding on" by Avril Lavign, and their version was better i think, well at least for that little moment i was lifted wasn't that sad, just keep holding on, and we'll make it through, and i hope my life will make it through, i seriously do, and i know it will.

It's obviously that I'm having a tough time and feeling seriously low right now so pardon my negativity but hey what's better that to know that there are still even lower life form out there, sorry, another negative energy talk. I would like to post the glee song on my page but sadly i couldn't find any of the video on youtube except for the karaoke version which only has backing singing in the whole damn video, you know you're bad luck when you can't even find a damn song in youtube, seriously, millions of people uploading video no glee song that i wanted? seriously?

Peace out and good luck to me.

how long was i asleep and dreaming?

Today my world seem to end right after i click the view button at the exam results website, i failed, there was no excuse as to why i failed, it's all because i was not taking things seriously, and i admit i didn't even try hard enough to make things right, to study as hard as i should, deep down somehow i knew this is what i deserve, no one to blame but myself.

The whole day i was with my friend watching movie and all but i kept having this feeling that i was so wrong, that how would i face my dad and telling him i failed again, yes again, and your son is a big fucking failure, that fails everything in life. I always thought "hey I'm not that bad, thing would always pull through." seems like i was lying to myself all the time, i ain't that great, i can't even pass a fucking exam. I suck as what i am and i suck at what i am doing, i ain't great at anything 'cept for denying facts about myself that i know about myself and think that I'm good at what I'm doing when i suck big time at everything I'm doing, I SUCK!!!

And I'm a hypocrite myself, i tell people about future, but when it comes to myself i can't even see what's ten steps ahead, if i can't even study hard enough what gives me the right to criticize what people are doing? Next time i feel like saying something bad about anyone i really should start by looking into the mirror. I whine about everything bad going on and do nothing to fix anything, this is bad that is bad, everything is bad the world is bad, and i did nothing but whine about everything. I seriously need rehabilitation, i need help, i need support, all that i don't really deserve.

I always have a reason to everything, i always thought that i should deserve better, i always thought that i can pull everything together, i always thought that i could do anything as long as i wanted to, obviously i thought wrong and it's all a fucking lie. I am nothing more but an empty tin can that make noise so much about everything when i don't even have proof to back me up.

Enough of all the self blaming and whining, what i really need now is to change my useless attitude, i need to be more serious about life and everything i do, i need a chance, i need a change, the old me has proven to be wrong, and I've wasted 22 years to realize I'm wrong. If there's anyone reading, laughing right now, it's ok i deserve all the insult, but i also beg forgiveness for what i did wrong and a chance to change, and support i can get to change, I'm useless by myself.

Sorry, truly i vow to change.

surviving a nightmare

I am so into survivor horror game lately, specially when it's zombies. Shooting them, burst their heads off, punch a hole at the abs, of all the thrill of surviving through the whole nightmare. not only games, manga, movie, anything. I'm not fascinated with the dead or sick stuff, sometimes i would ask myself what would i do in a zombie outbreak? with my skills and who i am, how far would i go?would i become a hero like what i did in the game or read in mangas or watched in movies, or i'm jz another jerk that would selfishly hide all the resources for myself and unleash the beast that is in me doing evil in times of trouble like what we also see in those kind of stories?

But what i really realized was that zombies and surviving fascinates me so much is because it's whats inside of me. Don't get me wrong but i'm trying to survive in this world and every moment passed freaks me out, time seem to flow so fast i can't even take a grasp of what it's like the last moment or even any happy moments, every moment is a struggle to find my existence, every moment i try to find my cause, my goal, my future and a good rest too is hard to find my heart swarms with ideas, ideals, logic, sense, emotions, fear, everyday i have to find something to do, to distract me from those fear, those void that i felt every single time when i'm alone, even sometimes with everything going on i feel lonely, i struggle to shake those feeling off, but sometimes even with all those around me i still can't run from it, sometimes with everyone around me i feel like i'm trying to survive in a zombie outbreak, and every zombie is me, every zombie i shot is every fear i'm trying to kill in me, every bit of loneliness, every bit of void that i felt, that is why i'm so in to zombie surviving games lately.

Sometimes i feel like jz go off alone to see the world that i've been longing to see, the adventure, the excitement of being alone in a foreign world and explore the beauty and experience the danger, the mysteries, meet new people, and feel the world. Perhaps i wasn't afraid of being alone, the loneliness comes from the void of not being able to do what i have to, the fear of having nothing, the fear of losing everything, the fear of time passing, everyday seem shorter when scientist is saying that everyday is becoming longer. I want to be who i want to be, but fear gets the hold of me, fear of not being able to be or to live my dream, and i dream is what i fear to lose most, i don't want to be jz another zombie, i want to live my life, but i realized as the world nears modernization, materiality is what is more important than mere dreams and everyone seem to lose their dream as the grow older, i fear being one of them and one day i realizes that all the things we have and all the wealth we have can't be exchange for the dream we lost. I fear of growing old, i fear of growing old not being able to live my dream. Sometimes i'de rather be a little boy and enjoy everyday as it is because back then i don't need that much money, i don't need that much gadget, i don't need to eat the most expensive things, all i need is to wake up run around and dream that everyday is a happy day and everyone's happy. But now happiness lies in what we have, what i have, and what you have, it seems everyone love rich people and admires them, and can't seem to find happiness until they are one of them, everyone stuck in a material chase their whole life and eventually lose their childhood dreams, and sooner children would think like that wealth is everything, dreams and ideals would all be the same, everyone wants to be rich, and worst of all parents are planting the idea to their young of being rich instead dreams and adventures in life, everything now revolves around money sadly even love. Simple people live the happiest life, crazy people are always happy, normal people will only always be finding happiness. All my fears, my loneliness, is i think caused by the society today, where everything is measured not by heart but by gold.

I fear the world today, i fear of losing my dream, i fear of getting old, i fear of losing everything, i fear of having no purpose in life but to only become rich, i fear of surviving. I want to rest and sleep tight, i want a home, i want a dream, i want a life, i want Freedom.

Remember, remember the 5th of November

Remember, remember the 5th of November,
The gunpowder treason and plot,
I see no reason
Why the gunpowder treason,

should ever be forgot.

Sounds familiar? well it's part of the poem of the gunpowder treason in England, which sounds cool for some reason, maybe it's because of the movie V for Vendetta. Brilliant movie if u ask me and i recommend everyone to watch it, specially here the country where i'm living.
Make no mistakes but i love my country the place where i was born, a small little country that seem to have everything, peace, protection from the fury of nature, abundant of resources, everything that makes a great country. until our GOV said we have financial issues which i think it's funny cause they're been buying second hand military stuff from other country, which are now using state of the art hi-tech new weapons and still could rip off something from the old junk by selling it to some country that is smart enough to have bought it. Air force 1 for our prime minister, and we teach our children never to spend more than what they earn and deserve, irony. Another wise word from the movie, "The people should not be afraid of the government, the government should be afraid of the people". And when everything went wrong it's obvious that we should voice out and speak our mind, not for the sake of our own pleasure but the people we love, our fellow countrymen, we have a choice of making the country we love a better place.
Very often people relate government to a country, but it's not the same thing, hating the government is not treason, siding the opposition is not a fault but a choice we make that we hoped that it would bring good to this country, our freedom is not in the hands of the few, our freedom lies in the choice we make, our freedom should and has always been in our own hands.
Change is a taboo in many people's mind, as change brings about uncertainty, uncertainty brings about fear, and fear is what they want us to feel when a certain government is spreading propaganda. But change can also bring about hope, a hope that we could be free from what we dislike and our freedom is not anymore lies within the interest of a few.
Freedom is more than words we speak or actions we do, freedom is opportunity for everyone to rise, freedom is the idea we could all share, an idea that one day we would all lived as equals as a free men.
A government's job is not to rule a country, but to run the country and to serve the country well, of all to defend the rights and freedom of the people. Without the people the government has no powers, without the government the people can form a new one. and this is all in our hands.
Maybe a revolution could change the world or at least the country we love and the freedom we longed for.

directions, ideas and activity wanted

it's been a long time, i'm getting estrange with this place,
and i've jz renovated the whole blog and everything looks better, at least to me it does.
i'm free, free from many things, waiting for results, waiting for days to pass,
can't seem to find myself an ideal part time job, and i'm learning to play the guitar,
yes i am, once a week and i can't stop imagining how well i can play later after i've learned everything, than i'll sing something and post it up here exclusively.
a word of advice, don't listen if i do really sing, you won't like it. but the fun part is still playing the guitar, i am saving to buy myself a guitar so if there is anyone kind enough to donate something
plz do tell me. :)
i'm still thinking of a direction to go writing this blog, more myself? more fun stuff? more reviews on various things? or jz keep track of my life and rant all i want?or make videos?
well i jz can't make up my mind, any ideas?
i know this is an old blog, but i kinda like this name alot so i continue using it and maybe from now going on a more interesting directions or topic, other than my rants and so on. but that doesn't mean i'll stop writing what my heart feels, it's still a place for me to express my thoughts.
also i'm in to gundam and figures lately and i bought myself some to add to my collection and hope to add more stuff in the future, well maybe this should be what i'm supposed to write about. anyways i'll share those pics with anyone still reading this blog later.
life is less active now and i really hope someone would call me up for some activity, hiking, jogging, anything, i want to be active again, and i'm getting fat, anyone plz hook me up with some activities, i'm so bored. boredom kills!!!
thats all for now, getting tired...good night...

How's the make over..?

well, here's the new look...still finding ways n ideas to make it better...
but for now i think this will do...
any updates in my life will start after i think i'm done renovating this junkyard...
well, thanks for still tuning in...if you're still tuning in...someone..?anyone...?
haha...still feels kinda quiet like always...
bye bye.