Today my world seem to end right after i click the view button at the exam results website, i failed, there was no excuse as to why i failed, it's all because i was not taking things seriously, and i admit i didn't even try hard enough to make things right, to study as hard as i should, deep down somehow i knew this is what i deserve, no one to blame but myself.
The whole day i was with my friend watching movie and all but i kept having this feeling that i was so wrong, that how would i face my dad and telling him i failed again, yes again, and your son is a big fucking failure, that fails everything in life. I always thought "hey I'm not that bad, thing would always pull through." seems like i was lying to myself all the time, i ain't that great, i can't even pass a fucking exam. I suck as what i am and i suck at what i am doing, i ain't great at anything 'cept for denying facts about myself that i know about myself and think that I'm good at what I'm doing when i suck big time at everything I'm doing, I SUCK!!!
And I'm a hypocrite myself, i tell people about future, but when it comes to myself i can't even see what's ten steps ahead, if i can't even study hard enough what gives me the right to criticize what people are doing? Next time i feel like saying something bad about anyone i really should start by looking into the mirror. I whine about everything bad going on and do nothing to fix anything, this is bad that is bad, everything is bad the world is bad, and i did nothing but whine about everything. I seriously need rehabilitation, i need help, i need support, all that i don't really deserve.
I always have a reason to everything, i always thought that i should deserve better, i always thought that i can pull everything together, i always thought that i could do anything as long as i wanted to, obviously i thought wrong and it's all a fucking lie. I am nothing more but an empty tin can that make noise so much about everything when i don't even have proof to back me up.
Enough of all the self blaming and whining, what i really need now is to change my useless attitude, i need to be more serious about life and everything i do, i need a chance, i need a change, the old me has proven to be wrong, and I've wasted 22 years to realize I'm wrong. If there's anyone reading, laughing right now, it's ok i deserve all the insult, but i also beg forgiveness for what i did wrong and a chance to change, and support i can get to change, I'm useless by myself.
Sorry, truly i vow to change.
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