surviving a nightmare

I am so into survivor horror game lately, specially when it's zombies. Shooting them, burst their heads off, punch a hole at the abs, of all the thrill of surviving through the whole nightmare. not only games, manga, movie, anything. I'm not fascinated with the dead or sick stuff, sometimes i would ask myself what would i do in a zombie outbreak? with my skills and who i am, how far would i go?would i become a hero like what i did in the game or read in mangas or watched in movies, or i'm jz another jerk that would selfishly hide all the resources for myself and unleash the beast that is in me doing evil in times of trouble like what we also see in those kind of stories?

But what i really realized was that zombies and surviving fascinates me so much is because it's whats inside of me. Don't get me wrong but i'm trying to survive in this world and every moment passed freaks me out, time seem to flow so fast i can't even take a grasp of what it's like the last moment or even any happy moments, every moment is a struggle to find my existence, every moment i try to find my cause, my goal, my future and a good rest too is hard to find my heart swarms with ideas, ideals, logic, sense, emotions, fear, everyday i have to find something to do, to distract me from those fear, those void that i felt every single time when i'm alone, even sometimes with everything going on i feel lonely, i struggle to shake those feeling off, but sometimes even with all those around me i still can't run from it, sometimes with everyone around me i feel like i'm trying to survive in a zombie outbreak, and every zombie is me, every zombie i shot is every fear i'm trying to kill in me, every bit of loneliness, every bit of void that i felt, that is why i'm so in to zombie surviving games lately.

Sometimes i feel like jz go off alone to see the world that i've been longing to see, the adventure, the excitement of being alone in a foreign world and explore the beauty and experience the danger, the mysteries, meet new people, and feel the world. Perhaps i wasn't afraid of being alone, the loneliness comes from the void of not being able to do what i have to, the fear of having nothing, the fear of losing everything, the fear of time passing, everyday seem shorter when scientist is saying that everyday is becoming longer. I want to be who i want to be, but fear gets the hold of me, fear of not being able to be or to live my dream, and i dream is what i fear to lose most, i don't want to be jz another zombie, i want to live my life, but i realized as the world nears modernization, materiality is what is more important than mere dreams and everyone seem to lose their dream as the grow older, i fear being one of them and one day i realizes that all the things we have and all the wealth we have can't be exchange for the dream we lost. I fear of growing old, i fear of growing old not being able to live my dream. Sometimes i'de rather be a little boy and enjoy everyday as it is because back then i don't need that much money, i don't need that much gadget, i don't need to eat the most expensive things, all i need is to wake up run around and dream that everyday is a happy day and everyone's happy. But now happiness lies in what we have, what i have, and what you have, it seems everyone love rich people and admires them, and can't seem to find happiness until they are one of them, everyone stuck in a material chase their whole life and eventually lose their childhood dreams, and sooner children would think like that wealth is everything, dreams and ideals would all be the same, everyone wants to be rich, and worst of all parents are planting the idea to their young of being rich instead dreams and adventures in life, everything now revolves around money sadly even love. Simple people live the happiest life, crazy people are always happy, normal people will only always be finding happiness. All my fears, my loneliness, is i think caused by the society today, where everything is measured not by heart but by gold.

I fear the world today, i fear of losing my dream, i fear of getting old, i fear of losing everything, i fear of having no purpose in life but to only become rich, i fear of surviving. I want to rest and sleep tight, i want a home, i want a dream, i want a life, i want Freedom.