31st of August, independence day no more.

It's 31st of August, everything seem so normal, as though nothing had happened before, as though it's a day when we all need not go to work, and the only joy from this day is that everyone doesn't need to work and that's about it. Independence day means nothing more than a regular holiday, if that is so, do we still need to mark this day as important? or have we forgotten that it's independence day?

I remember waking up in the morning and watch the march and parade for the celebration of independence day through tv, back then it meant a lot more than it does today, people do not really care anymore. Everyone seem to have given up hope for this country, the future of this country now in the hands of some incompetent few, corrupted, greedy, an insatiable desire for money, now the main job of the government of this country is to suck this country dry of any financial resource that was left since independence day, perhaps we should mark that day as the day the British had forsaken us. Each year our country seem to fall deeper and deeper into chaos, we see progress in all the ASEAN countries but not ours, every time we look at our growth it breaks our heart to know that we're losing out on everything and as though we're the only one that goes backwards.

The truth is there is no perfect government in this world, only better ones, corruption is everywhere, but, others still have a sense of patriotism toward their country and try their best to also move the country forward. To be frank, I'm disappointed not in the level of corruption of our government but the stupidity of our government, if you only take, someday it'll eventually end. For example a farm, if a farmer is stupid enough to take all the fruits at one time even the green ones and didn't even bother to take care of the trees eventually the trees will die the farm will end and there would be nothing left and the farmer will be laughed at by the other farmer, Instead if the farmer take lesser fruits and leave the green ones to grow, and put some effort into the farm than it'll become a source that will never end. It's sad to know that our future here is in the hands of not only greedy, but also stupid people, the best combo for a country to crumble.

I'm seriously proud to be a Malaysian, and i love Malaysia, but i seriously despise the current ruling party not only for it's corruption, but also it's level of stupidity. Also despite the fact that the government is on a 1 Malaysia project, but it's also their people that has been making racist remarks. Just when everything seem fine there will always be someone that will ruin everything. A word of advice for the government, if you have people that will sabotage your effort of making a better world, cut of the weakest link before it drags you down along with them, oppressing the people will only take you this far, gaining the support of the people will take you to a higher place.

any lower you have to dig a hole

Lately, my heart feels like it's so heavy it's popping out anytime soon. There's so much negative energy around me i feel like I'm going crazy, everything seem so bleak and blur that never would there be anything good happening this time around, as though I'm stuck in a black hole of negative energy and I'm drowning in bad luck. Life can never be worst that this ever, well that's what i thought, and i sure hope that i thought wrong about it.

I was watching Glee, good show and i think everyone should watch it, at the very least it's something fun to watch and they have songs that would bring up your spirit when you're feeling low, for now i guess nothing can get any lower, failing an exam, a little relationship bumps, household arguments, financial headache, and a very very sadly low self esteem, it would help if i know of someone that is now living an even a suckier life cause it seriously helps, i was just kidding, it's the negative energy talking. In the show that i was talking about they were singing "holding on" by Avril Lavign, and their version was better i think, well at least for that little moment i was lifted wasn't that sad, just keep holding on, and we'll make it through, and i hope my life will make it through, i seriously do, and i know it will.

It's obviously that I'm having a tough time and feeling seriously low right now so pardon my negativity but hey what's better that to know that there are still even lower life form out there, sorry, another negative energy talk. I would like to post the glee song on my page but sadly i couldn't find any of the video on youtube except for the karaoke version which only has backing singing in the whole damn video, you know you're bad luck when you can't even find a damn song in youtube, seriously, millions of people uploading video no glee song that i wanted? seriously?

Peace out and good luck to me.

how long was i asleep and dreaming?

Today my world seem to end right after i click the view button at the exam results website, i failed, there was no excuse as to why i failed, it's all because i was not taking things seriously, and i admit i didn't even try hard enough to make things right, to study as hard as i should, deep down somehow i knew this is what i deserve, no one to blame but myself.

The whole day i was with my friend watching movie and all but i kept having this feeling that i was so wrong, that how would i face my dad and telling him i failed again, yes again, and your son is a big fucking failure, that fails everything in life. I always thought "hey I'm not that bad, thing would always pull through." seems like i was lying to myself all the time, i ain't that great, i can't even pass a fucking exam. I suck as what i am and i suck at what i am doing, i ain't great at anything 'cept for denying facts about myself that i know about myself and think that I'm good at what I'm doing when i suck big time at everything I'm doing, I SUCK!!!

And I'm a hypocrite myself, i tell people about future, but when it comes to myself i can't even see what's ten steps ahead, if i can't even study hard enough what gives me the right to criticize what people are doing? Next time i feel like saying something bad about anyone i really should start by looking into the mirror. I whine about everything bad going on and do nothing to fix anything, this is bad that is bad, everything is bad the world is bad, and i did nothing but whine about everything. I seriously need rehabilitation, i need help, i need support, all that i don't really deserve.

I always have a reason to everything, i always thought that i should deserve better, i always thought that i can pull everything together, i always thought that i could do anything as long as i wanted to, obviously i thought wrong and it's all a fucking lie. I am nothing more but an empty tin can that make noise so much about everything when i don't even have proof to back me up.

Enough of all the self blaming and whining, what i really need now is to change my useless attitude, i need to be more serious about life and everything i do, i need a chance, i need a change, the old me has proven to be wrong, and I've wasted 22 years to realize I'm wrong. If there's anyone reading, laughing right now, it's ok i deserve all the insult, but i also beg forgiveness for what i did wrong and a chance to change, and support i can get to change, I'm useless by myself.

Sorry, truly i vow to change.

surviving a nightmare

I am so into survivor horror game lately, specially when it's zombies. Shooting them, burst their heads off, punch a hole at the abs, of all the thrill of surviving through the whole nightmare. not only games, manga, movie, anything. I'm not fascinated with the dead or sick stuff, sometimes i would ask myself what would i do in a zombie outbreak? with my skills and who i am, how far would i go?would i become a hero like what i did in the game or read in mangas or watched in movies, or i'm jz another jerk that would selfishly hide all the resources for myself and unleash the beast that is in me doing evil in times of trouble like what we also see in those kind of stories?

But what i really realized was that zombies and surviving fascinates me so much is because it's whats inside of me. Don't get me wrong but i'm trying to survive in this world and every moment passed freaks me out, time seem to flow so fast i can't even take a grasp of what it's like the last moment or even any happy moments, every moment is a struggle to find my existence, every moment i try to find my cause, my goal, my future and a good rest too is hard to find my heart swarms with ideas, ideals, logic, sense, emotions, fear, everyday i have to find something to do, to distract me from those fear, those void that i felt every single time when i'm alone, even sometimes with everything going on i feel lonely, i struggle to shake those feeling off, but sometimes even with all those around me i still can't run from it, sometimes with everyone around me i feel like i'm trying to survive in a zombie outbreak, and every zombie is me, every zombie i shot is every fear i'm trying to kill in me, every bit of loneliness, every bit of void that i felt, that is why i'm so in to zombie surviving games lately.

Sometimes i feel like jz go off alone to see the world that i've been longing to see, the adventure, the excitement of being alone in a foreign world and explore the beauty and experience the danger, the mysteries, meet new people, and feel the world. Perhaps i wasn't afraid of being alone, the loneliness comes from the void of not being able to do what i have to, the fear of having nothing, the fear of losing everything, the fear of time passing, everyday seem shorter when scientist is saying that everyday is becoming longer. I want to be who i want to be, but fear gets the hold of me, fear of not being able to be or to live my dream, and i dream is what i fear to lose most, i don't want to be jz another zombie, i want to live my life, but i realized as the world nears modernization, materiality is what is more important than mere dreams and everyone seem to lose their dream as the grow older, i fear being one of them and one day i realizes that all the things we have and all the wealth we have can't be exchange for the dream we lost. I fear of growing old, i fear of growing old not being able to live my dream. Sometimes i'de rather be a little boy and enjoy everyday as it is because back then i don't need that much money, i don't need that much gadget, i don't need to eat the most expensive things, all i need is to wake up run around and dream that everyday is a happy day and everyone's happy. But now happiness lies in what we have, what i have, and what you have, it seems everyone love rich people and admires them, and can't seem to find happiness until they are one of them, everyone stuck in a material chase their whole life and eventually lose their childhood dreams, and sooner children would think like that wealth is everything, dreams and ideals would all be the same, everyone wants to be rich, and worst of all parents are planting the idea to their young of being rich instead dreams and adventures in life, everything now revolves around money sadly even love. Simple people live the happiest life, crazy people are always happy, normal people will only always be finding happiness. All my fears, my loneliness, is i think caused by the society today, where everything is measured not by heart but by gold.

I fear the world today, i fear of losing my dream, i fear of getting old, i fear of losing everything, i fear of having no purpose in life but to only become rich, i fear of surviving. I want to rest and sleep tight, i want a home, i want a dream, i want a life, i want Freedom.