the real life, the real jie

i m jie..nothing more...
i used to think i'm a dreamer...
it turns out that my dreams are empty...
it's words decorated beauifully...to make myself special...to be someone with a difference...
i'm nothing more than a real person like everyone...that masked myself behind some made up dream to be different, i'm no more than some regular guy...
but it is only now that i understand that i've been hiding behind my so called dream for too long...
too long...
i used to think that i understands freedom...i practice freedom...but i don't...
i have freedom...oh yes i do...almost as much as i can get...but i'm not free...
i thought that i can understand free will so good that i can actually don't care about some stuff...
but i can't...my minds r not free...i m filled with jealousy...haunted by self doubt...hungry for recognition...living in total lost n sadness...
as i now know that i'm not living free...i'm merely running free...like a mad man trying to escape the truth...living in dreams...finding happiness in lies created by myself...living high by stepping on other's mistake, which i eventually make them myself...how low can one get...?
i'm really sorry...
i've been living a lie...
a lie which i wanted it to be true...
i'm but a narrow minded person living in a lie to live higher n greater...which would fall...n crash...n i wud eventually lose everything...i'm awake n i'm god damn tired...
now i jz wan to be free...really free from those lies...free from negative thoughts n feelings...
too tired to go on telling lies to everything i've done to make myself better...
i now jz wan to be useful...n start to find myself a path which i always runs from...a goal to achieve..a dream to fulfill...
well...now i'm too tired to go on...good nite...hate me, scold me, laugh at me as u like...i'm sorry...