Today my world seem to end right after i click the view button at the exam results website, i failed, there was no excuse as to why i failed, it's all because i was not taking things seriously, and i admit i didn't even try hard enough to make things right, to study as hard as i should, deep down somehow i knew this is what i deserve, no one to blame but myself.
The whole day i was with my friend watching movie and all but i kept having this feeling that i was so wrong, that how would i face my dad and telling him i failed again, yes again, and your son is a big fucking failure, that fails everything in life. I always thought "hey I'm not that bad, thing would always pull through." seems like i was lying to myself all the time, i ain't that great, i can't even pass a fucking exam. I suck as what i am and i suck at what i am doing, i ain't great at anything 'cept for denying facts about myself that i know about myself and think that I'm good at what I'm doing when i suck big time at everything I'm doing, I SUCK!!!
And I'm a hypocrite myself, i tell people about future, but when it comes to myself i can't even see what's ten steps ahead, if i can't even study hard enough what gives me the right to criticize what people are doing? Next time i feel like saying something bad about anyone i really should start by looking into the mirror. I whine about everything bad going on and do nothing to fix anything, this is bad that is bad, everything is bad the world is bad, and i did nothing but whine about everything. I seriously need rehabilitation, i need help, i need support, all that i don't really deserve.
I always have a reason to everything, i always thought that i should deserve better, i always thought that i can pull everything together, i always thought that i could do anything as long as i wanted to, obviously i thought wrong and it's all a fucking lie. I am nothing more but an empty tin can that make noise so much about everything when i don't even have proof to back me up.
Enough of all the self blaming and whining, what i really need now is to change my useless attitude, i need to be more serious about life and everything i do, i need a chance, i need a change, the old me has proven to be wrong, and I've wasted 22 years to realize I'm wrong. If there's anyone reading, laughing right now, it's ok i deserve all the insult, but i also beg forgiveness for what i did wrong and a chance to change, and support i can get to change, I'm useless by myself.
Sorry, truly i vow to change.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
surviving a nightmare
I am so into survivor horror game lately, specially when it's zombies. Shooting them, burst their heads off, punch a hole at the abs, of all the thrill of surviving through the whole nightmare. not only games, manga, movie, anything. I'm not fascinated with the dead or sick stuff, sometimes i would ask myself what would i do in a zombie outbreak? with my skills and who i am, how far would i go?would i become a hero like what i did in the game or read in mangas or watched in movies, or i'm jz another jerk that would selfishly hide all the resources for myself and unleash the beast that is in me doing evil in times of trouble like what we also see in those kind of stories?
But what i really realized was that zombies and surviving fascinates me so much is because it's whats inside of me. Don't get me wrong but i'm trying to survive in this world and every moment passed freaks me out, time seem to flow so fast i can't even take a grasp of what it's like the last moment or even any happy moments, every moment is a struggle to find my existence, every moment i try to find my cause, my goal, my future and a good rest too is hard to find my heart swarms with ideas, ideals, logic, sense, emotions, fear, everyday i have to find something to do, to distract me from those fear, those void that i felt every single time when i'm alone, even sometimes with everything going on i feel lonely, i struggle to shake those feeling off, but sometimes even with all those around me i still can't run from it, sometimes with everyone around me i feel like i'm trying to survive in a zombie outbreak, and every zombie is me, every zombie i shot is every fear i'm trying to kill in me, every bit of loneliness, every bit of void that i felt, that is why i'm so in to zombie surviving games lately.
Sometimes i feel like jz go off alone to see the world that i've been longing to see, the adventure, the excitement of being alone in a foreign world and explore the beauty and experience the danger, the mysteries, meet new people, and feel the world. Perhaps i wasn't afraid of being alone, the loneliness comes from the void of not being able to do what i have to, the fear of having nothing, the fear of losing everything, the fear of time passing, everyday seem shorter when scientist is saying that everyday is becoming longer. I want to be who i want to be, but fear gets the hold of me, fear of not being able to be or to live my dream, and i dream is what i fear to lose most, i don't want to be jz another zombie, i want to live my life, but i realized as the world nears modernization, materiality is what is more important than mere dreams and everyone seem to lose their dream as the grow older, i fear being one of them and one day i realizes that all the things we have and all the wealth we have can't be exchange for the dream we lost. I fear of growing old, i fear of growing old not being able to live my dream. Sometimes i'de rather be a little boy and enjoy everyday as it is because back then i don't need that much money, i don't need that much gadget, i don't need to eat the most expensive things, all i need is to wake up run around and dream that everyday is a happy day and everyone's happy. But now happiness lies in what we have, what i have, and what you have, it seems everyone love rich people and admires them, and can't seem to find happiness until they are one of them, everyone stuck in a material chase their whole life and eventually lose their childhood dreams, and sooner children would think like that wealth is everything, dreams and ideals would all be the same, everyone wants to be rich, and worst of all parents are planting the idea to their young of being rich instead dreams and adventures in life, everything now revolves around money sadly even love. Simple people live the happiest life, crazy people are always happy, normal people will only always be finding happiness. All my fears, my loneliness, is i think caused by the society today, where everything is measured not by heart but by gold.
I fear the world today, i fear of losing my dream, i fear of getting old, i fear of losing everything, i fear of having no purpose in life but to only become rich, i fear of surviving. I want to rest and sleep tight, i want a home, i want a dream, i want a life, i want Freedom.
But what i really realized was that zombies and surviving fascinates me so much is because it's whats inside of me. Don't get me wrong but i'm trying to survive in this world and every moment passed freaks me out, time seem to flow so fast i can't even take a grasp of what it's like the last moment or even any happy moments, every moment is a struggle to find my existence, every moment i try to find my cause, my goal, my future and a good rest too is hard to find my heart swarms with ideas, ideals, logic, sense, emotions, fear, everyday i have to find something to do, to distract me from those fear, those void that i felt every single time when i'm alone, even sometimes with everything going on i feel lonely, i struggle to shake those feeling off, but sometimes even with all those around me i still can't run from it, sometimes with everyone around me i feel like i'm trying to survive in a zombie outbreak, and every zombie is me, every zombie i shot is every fear i'm trying to kill in me, every bit of loneliness, every bit of void that i felt, that is why i'm so in to zombie surviving games lately.
Sometimes i feel like jz go off alone to see the world that i've been longing to see, the adventure, the excitement of being alone in a foreign world and explore the beauty and experience the danger, the mysteries, meet new people, and feel the world. Perhaps i wasn't afraid of being alone, the loneliness comes from the void of not being able to do what i have to, the fear of having nothing, the fear of losing everything, the fear of time passing, everyday seem shorter when scientist is saying that everyday is becoming longer. I want to be who i want to be, but fear gets the hold of me, fear of not being able to be or to live my dream, and i dream is what i fear to lose most, i don't want to be jz another zombie, i want to live my life, but i realized as the world nears modernization, materiality is what is more important than mere dreams and everyone seem to lose their dream as the grow older, i fear being one of them and one day i realizes that all the things we have and all the wealth we have can't be exchange for the dream we lost. I fear of growing old, i fear of growing old not being able to live my dream. Sometimes i'de rather be a little boy and enjoy everyday as it is because back then i don't need that much money, i don't need that much gadget, i don't need to eat the most expensive things, all i need is to wake up run around and dream that everyday is a happy day and everyone's happy. But now happiness lies in what we have, what i have, and what you have, it seems everyone love rich people and admires them, and can't seem to find happiness until they are one of them, everyone stuck in a material chase their whole life and eventually lose their childhood dreams, and sooner children would think like that wealth is everything, dreams and ideals would all be the same, everyone wants to be rich, and worst of all parents are planting the idea to their young of being rich instead dreams and adventures in life, everything now revolves around money sadly even love. Simple people live the happiest life, crazy people are always happy, normal people will only always be finding happiness. All my fears, my loneliness, is i think caused by the society today, where everything is measured not by heart but by gold.
I fear the world today, i fear of losing my dream, i fear of getting old, i fear of losing everything, i fear of having no purpose in life but to only become rich, i fear of surviving. I want to rest and sleep tight, i want a home, i want a dream, i want a life, i want Freedom.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Remember, remember the 5th of November
Remember, remember the 5th of November,
The gunpowder treason and plot,
I see no reason
Why the gunpowder treason,
The gunpowder treason and plot,
I see no reason
Why the gunpowder treason,
should ever be forgot.
Sounds familiar? well it's part of the poem of the gunpowder treason in England, which sounds cool for some reason, maybe it's because of the movie V for Vendetta. Brilliant movie if u ask me and i recommend everyone to watch it, specially here the country where i'm living.
Make no mistakes but i love my country the place where i was born, a small little country that seem to have everything, peace, protection from the fury of nature, abundant of resources, everything that makes a great country. until our GOV said we have financial issues which i think it's funny cause they're been buying second hand military stuff from other country, which are now using state of the art hi-tech new weapons and still could rip off something from the old junk by selling it to some country that is smart enough to have bought it. Air force 1 for our prime minister, and we teach our children never to spend more than what they earn and deserve, irony. Another wise word from the movie, "The people should not be afraid of the government, the government should be afraid of the people". And when everything went wrong it's obvious that we should voice out and speak our mind, not for the sake of our own pleasure but the people we love, our fellow countrymen, we have a choice of making the country we love a better place.
Very often people relate government to a country, but it's not the same thing, hating the government is not treason, siding the opposition is not a fault but a choice we make that we hoped that it would bring good to this country, our freedom is not in the hands of the few, our freedom lies in the choice we make, our freedom should and has always been in our own hands.
Change is a taboo in many people's mind, as change brings about uncertainty, uncertainty brings about fear, and fear is what they want us to feel when a certain government is spreading propaganda. But change can also bring about hope, a hope that we could be free from what we dislike and our freedom is not anymore lies within the interest of a few.
Freedom is more than words we speak or actions we do, freedom is opportunity for everyone to rise, freedom is the idea we could all share, an idea that one day we would all lived as equals as a free men.
A government's job is not to rule a country, but to run the country and to serve the country well, of all to defend the rights and freedom of the people. Without the people the government has no powers, without the government the people can form a new one. and this is all in our hands.
Maybe a revolution could change the world or at least the country we love and the freedom we longed for.
Sounds familiar? well it's part of the poem of the gunpowder treason in England, which sounds cool for some reason, maybe it's because of the movie V for Vendetta. Brilliant movie if u ask me and i recommend everyone to watch it, specially here the country where i'm living.
Make no mistakes but i love my country the place where i was born, a small little country that seem to have everything, peace, protection from the fury of nature, abundant of resources, everything that makes a great country. until our GOV said we have financial issues which i think it's funny cause they're been buying second hand military stuff from other country, which are now using state of the art hi-tech new weapons and still could rip off something from the old junk by selling it to some country that is smart enough to have bought it. Air force 1 for our prime minister, and we teach our children never to spend more than what they earn and deserve, irony. Another wise word from the movie, "The people should not be afraid of the government, the government should be afraid of the people". And when everything went wrong it's obvious that we should voice out and speak our mind, not for the sake of our own pleasure but the people we love, our fellow countrymen, we have a choice of making the country we love a better place.
Very often people relate government to a country, but it's not the same thing, hating the government is not treason, siding the opposition is not a fault but a choice we make that we hoped that it would bring good to this country, our freedom is not in the hands of the few, our freedom lies in the choice we make, our freedom should and has always been in our own hands.
Change is a taboo in many people's mind, as change brings about uncertainty, uncertainty brings about fear, and fear is what they want us to feel when a certain government is spreading propaganda. But change can also bring about hope, a hope that we could be free from what we dislike and our freedom is not anymore lies within the interest of a few.
Freedom is more than words we speak or actions we do, freedom is opportunity for everyone to rise, freedom is the idea we could all share, an idea that one day we would all lived as equals as a free men.
A government's job is not to rule a country, but to run the country and to serve the country well, of all to defend the rights and freedom of the people. Without the people the government has no powers, without the government the people can form a new one. and this is all in our hands.
Maybe a revolution could change the world or at least the country we love and the freedom we longed for.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
directions, ideas and activity wanted
it's been a long time, i'm getting estrange with this place,
and i've jz renovated the whole blog and everything looks better, at least to me it does.
i'm free, free from many things, waiting for results, waiting for days to pass,
can't seem to find myself an ideal part time job, and i'm learning to play the guitar,
yes i am, once a week and i can't stop imagining how well i can play later after i've learned everything, than i'll sing something and post it up here exclusively.
a word of advice, don't listen if i do really sing, you won't like it. but the fun part is still playing the guitar, i am saving to buy myself a guitar so if there is anyone kind enough to donate something
plz do tell me. :)
i'm still thinking of a direction to go writing this blog, more myself? more fun stuff? more reviews on various things? or jz keep track of my life and rant all i want?or make videos?
well i jz can't make up my mind, any ideas?
i know this is an old blog, but i kinda like this name alot so i continue using it and maybe from now going on a more interesting directions or topic, other than my rants and so on. but that doesn't mean i'll stop writing what my heart feels, it's still a place for me to express my thoughts.
also i'm in to gundam and figures lately and i bought myself some to add to my collection and hope to add more stuff in the future, well maybe this should be what i'm supposed to write about. anyways i'll share those pics with anyone still reading this blog later.
life is less active now and i really hope someone would call me up for some activity, hiking, jogging, anything, i want to be active again, and i'm getting fat, anyone plz hook me up with some activities, i'm so bored. boredom kills!!!
thats all for now, getting tired...good night...
and i've jz renovated the whole blog and everything looks better, at least to me it does.
i'm free, free from many things, waiting for results, waiting for days to pass,
can't seem to find myself an ideal part time job, and i'm learning to play the guitar,
yes i am, once a week and i can't stop imagining how well i can play later after i've learned everything, than i'll sing something and post it up here exclusively.
a word of advice, don't listen if i do really sing, you won't like it. but the fun part is still playing the guitar, i am saving to buy myself a guitar so if there is anyone kind enough to donate something
plz do tell me. :)
i'm still thinking of a direction to go writing this blog, more myself? more fun stuff? more reviews on various things? or jz keep track of my life and rant all i want?or make videos?
well i jz can't make up my mind, any ideas?
i know this is an old blog, but i kinda like this name alot so i continue using it and maybe from now going on a more interesting directions or topic, other than my rants and so on. but that doesn't mean i'll stop writing what my heart feels, it's still a place for me to express my thoughts.
also i'm in to gundam and figures lately and i bought myself some to add to my collection and hope to add more stuff in the future, well maybe this should be what i'm supposed to write about. anyways i'll share those pics with anyone still reading this blog later.
life is less active now and i really hope someone would call me up for some activity, hiking, jogging, anything, i want to be active again, and i'm getting fat, anyone plz hook me up with some activities, i'm so bored. boredom kills!!!
thats all for now, getting tired...good night...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
How's the make over..?
well, here's the new look...still finding ways n ideas to make it better...
but for now i think this will do...
any updates in my life will start after i think i'm done renovating this junkyard...
well, thanks for still tuning in...if you're still tuning in...someone..?anyone...?
haha...still feels kinda quiet like always...
bye bye.
but for now i think this will do...
any updates in my life will start after i think i'm done renovating this junkyard...
well, thanks for still tuning in...if you're still tuning in...someone..?anyone...?
haha...still feels kinda quiet like always...
bye bye.
Friday, September 11, 2009
the freedom's junkyard...
freedom junkyard...
now, no more than a regular junkyard...
oh well, once in awhile the keeper comes in n sweep some dirt of his back...
leaving behind words that meant so little...
yet expresses alot of feelings...
yes...feelings...
in words...left behind by the keeper...
once in a while some stray comes in browse through the junkyard for something useful...
or entertaining piece of crap at least, but little does he noe that...
junkyard no matter how well renovated or cleaned is still a junkyard...
wasted words n thoughts left behind by the keeper...
for the freedom of the keeper, n others, if truly understands what the keeper meant all this time...
well, though full of crap...sometimes one may find something quite different from the other junk...
sometimes music flow softly through the junkyard...
sometimes wisdom of the keeper is engraved on this cracked walls...
sometimes sentimental echos can be heard as if the wind is telling something...
sometimes "emo" wave ripple across the vast wasteland...
sometimes..some trash note jz to make the keeper feel much better...
but when the keeper leave his boring junkyard...
to the world we all called reality...
he is no more but another man...
not the owner of some vast junkyard...
not someone with the freedom everyone dreamed for...
n words n thoughts cannot jz comes out of his mouth...
a world where everyone is bound to something...
something we cannot see...something we can only feel...
gravity...
from earth...
from other ppl...
from ourself...
to not let us dream...
to not let us speak...
as we all live in what we called reality...
but once in awhile...we see ppl who seemingly defy logic...
ppl we envy...
ppl with true freedom...
ppl we envy yet annoyed by their carefree thoughts..
cuz life to others is no more than to own things...
to impress...
to win...
but never to live free...
therefore the keeper created this junkyard...
to escape reality...
n yet not daring enuf to seek true freedom...
therefore he seek refuge in this wasteland...
to take a rest from the reality he is not daring enuf to defy...
this is the story of the freedom junkyard...
now, no more than a regular junkyard...
oh well, once in awhile the keeper comes in n sweep some dirt of his back...
leaving behind words that meant so little...
yet expresses alot of feelings...
yes...feelings...
in words...left behind by the keeper...
once in a while some stray comes in browse through the junkyard for something useful...
or entertaining piece of crap at least, but little does he noe that...
junkyard no matter how well renovated or cleaned is still a junkyard...
wasted words n thoughts left behind by the keeper...
for the freedom of the keeper, n others, if truly understands what the keeper meant all this time...
well, though full of crap...sometimes one may find something quite different from the other junk...
sometimes music flow softly through the junkyard...
sometimes wisdom of the keeper is engraved on this cracked walls...
sometimes sentimental echos can be heard as if the wind is telling something...
sometimes "emo" wave ripple across the vast wasteland...
sometimes..some trash note jz to make the keeper feel much better...
but when the keeper leave his boring junkyard...
to the world we all called reality...
he is no more but another man...
not the owner of some vast junkyard...
not someone with the freedom everyone dreamed for...
n words n thoughts cannot jz comes out of his mouth...
a world where everyone is bound to something...
something we cannot see...something we can only feel...
gravity...
from earth...
from other ppl...
from ourself...
to not let us dream...
to not let us speak...
as we all live in what we called reality...
but once in awhile...we see ppl who seemingly defy logic...
ppl we envy...
ppl with true freedom...
ppl we envy yet annoyed by their carefree thoughts..
cuz life to others is no more than to own things...
to impress...
to win...
but never to live free...
therefore the keeper created this junkyard...
to escape reality...
n yet not daring enuf to seek true freedom...
therefore he seek refuge in this wasteland...
to take a rest from the reality he is not daring enuf to defy...
this is the story of the freedom junkyard...
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
love is like a rose
love is like a rose,
that bloody red feeling of love,
that mesmerising beauty you felt in love,
that wondrous scent that made you fell in love with,
that thorn that pierce through our heart,
so pain yet so addicting,
such a dangerous beauty,
craved by many mortals and divines alike,
sacrificing everything for just a taste of it,
a taste of such sweet poison,
for all the pain and labour,
in exchange for such mysterious flower,
that gives pain and pleasure,
heartfelt and heartbreak,
such bloody red feeling,
such mesmerising beauty,
such wondrous scent,
such painful thorn,
yet only becuase of such feelings,
that keeps us all wondering,
that curious mixture of emotions,
that makes us all in love with that bloody rose.
-JiE-
that bloody red feeling of love,
that mesmerising beauty you felt in love,
that wondrous scent that made you fell in love with,
that thorn that pierce through our heart,
so pain yet so addicting,
such a dangerous beauty,
craved by many mortals and divines alike,
sacrificing everything for just a taste of it,
a taste of such sweet poison,
for all the pain and labour,
in exchange for such mysterious flower,
that gives pain and pleasure,
heartfelt and heartbreak,
such bloody red feeling,
such mesmerising beauty,
such wondrous scent,
such painful thorn,
yet only becuase of such feelings,
that keeps us all wondering,
that curious mixture of emotions,
that makes us all in love with that bloody rose.
-JiE-
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